I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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