she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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