I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
