I have demons in me.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
