there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dignity is for republicans.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
