Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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