my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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