I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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