Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
