my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
