went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
