im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
