Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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