I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
