Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
