I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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