Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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