There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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