I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
