YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I cannot find my penis.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
