Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
