my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
