girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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