You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the condom got lost in my hair
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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