I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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