sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
