Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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