She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
