I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
