It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
this boner is exhausting
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
