she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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