I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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