I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
