Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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