My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
