I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
