I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
