just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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