he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
