They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
is wine microwaveable?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
