I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
