I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
