i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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