Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
