Moan for me like Helen Keller
are you so shy because you have an std?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
