Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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