im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
