i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
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She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
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I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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