I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
