I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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