I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
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You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
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17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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