i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
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I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
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She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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