My room smells like vodka and shame
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
