I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
