I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life