i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
