What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
