Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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