that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm passing your future prison.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
